drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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