The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
