Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
