new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
