"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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