and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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