My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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