I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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