You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
