I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
