A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
