very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
