i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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