just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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