Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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