got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
