I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
