So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
