11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
