I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
