Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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