call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
