I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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