my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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