I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Drake has all the answers
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
