Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
