He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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