fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
