how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
