Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
