I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
