I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We talked him into tasing himself.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
