3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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