I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
