So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
