I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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