I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize