Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
