I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
