I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
