New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
