So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
