I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This is my gift to your gina
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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