Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i think i have two assholes
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just had sex on a roof
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
