He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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