when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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