my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
