I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
