mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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