There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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