Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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