mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
