I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
