U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
