There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
