I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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