Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
