I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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