I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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